Land of Oz

Santa 2006

Don't you wish you could go back to a time when Santa wasn't quite so improbable as he seems now. I don't know much about kids, but it has to be a lot harder these days to believe in a Santa like I think of from way back when. Think about how much has been ruined by us adults for the little kids.

Back in my day, as seen through my rose colored glasses, Santa was a fat, happy guy with a big beard and red suit who came down chimneys - even if you didn't have one - ate some cookies and drank some milk you left out and put some goodies under the tree if you were good and a lump of coal if you weren't. Finishing, he'd get back on the roof - no matter how slanted - and jumped into his sled pulled by eight tiny reindeer. And then with a laugh, he'd head to the next house, managing to visit all the good little boys and girl in the world before dawn - sigh...

Now filter that view through our 21th century puke colored glasses:

You got this severely obese guy in disguise who has an unnatural attraction to little kids. He sneaks across the border smuggling in gray market goods that have probably been made by illegal aliens working in his sweatshop - that coincidently is located in an out-of-the-way place so authorities can't enforce labor and environmental regulations.

After dark, he sneaks around neighborhoods, breaking in to houses and leaves booty that he probably hasn't paid licensing fees on. He partakes of high calorie snacks, probably containing trans-fats, and imbibes milk, regardless of organic concerns. After reviewing his extensive database on the personal habits of minors, he leaves the appropriate gifts (does he pay local taxes on this stuff) and goes to the roof. He then makes sure his endangered reindeer are still chained to his sled - which has never met any Transportation Safety standards and goes off to terrorize the next batch of children.