Land of Oz

Making a Movie

I’m going to tell you how to make a money making movie. Notice I didn’t say a good movie, just one that makes money. I have a rather low-brow taste in movies. I really like a good B-movie. I’ll watch the occasional blockbuster, but I can enjoy a pretty low-budget movie as well. Here’s how I’d make movie. This wouldn’t be any Gone with the Wind or Citizen Kane, but I have the feeling there’d be a lot of guys interested in it.

First there has to be at least a few good looking actresses. Now while I prefer the long-legged bosomy type, I’m not all that particular. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, it really doesn’t matter. Short, tall, dark or light. And they should have a little acting talent. Talent like a Katherine Hepburn or Jodie Foster would be nice, but being able to even passably say lines and emote even somewhat realistically is fine. Oh yeah, they gotta be prepared for some nudity. It doesn’t have to be full nudity, and definitely not porno mode, just judicious flashes of thighs and breasts, with an occasional long term shot of skin. For looks, Julie Strain or Michelle Bauer are great – for acting, Julie is about bottom line.

A couple of fight scenes would be nice. While I like Asian martial arts, a sword fight, gun fight, or even a barroom brawl would suffice. And while a couple of guys fighting work, there has to be at least one ladies fight, and please let them look like they know how. I really hate the pull and scratch fighting that so often appears in these types of movies. I don’t want mud or oil or water or jello for that matter either. Please, no Dynasty style water fights. What does work nice for me is when strategic parts of clothing get damaged during a fight. Blouse buttons are always nice but how about some creative damage, like a sword that misses the skin, but slits the blouse along the side. Maybe one fighter gets tossed against a wall and part of the skirt catches on a nail and gets ripped. And when they show, black undergarments please.

While real martial artists like Jet Li and Jackie Chan are best, actor wannabes can do surprisingly well. I really like Wesley Snipes. Michelle Yeoh has a grace that dancing brings to combat. John Wayne had some great choreographers for his fights.

Guns! Please use some gun sense. I tried to watch a movie last month that had some over-the-hill body builder in it. (no – not Arnie – he’s good with guns, his old workout partner actually). Poor guy hadn’t a clue how to handle a gun. There’s some things to remember. Guns have recoil. They need reloading. You have to aim at something to hit it. And things can be hit. I hate movies when there’s a zillion shots and no one gets hit, no one reloads, and no one aims. Gun play in Underworld sucked – as much as I liked the movie. Ronin had good gunfights. But I don’t like slasher stuff. A little blood goes a long way. Make me think it was gruesome without showing me.

Along with guns, explosions are cool. Just blow something up. I don’t really care for the car down the cliff and boom scene either. A Pinto being tapped and blowing up worked well in Top Secret however. Contrary to popular belief, one bullet is very unlikely to blow up a car, truck, air plane, power plant, aircraft carrier, etc. I don’t really care what’s blown up as long as something is. Buildings, cars, planes, dams, who cares – just big booms.

You have to have a chase scene. And make it work. I hate it when a dirt biker is running from a car and the bike stays on a highway. Or the sports car is running from a SUV and turns down a dirt road. And do I even need to mention someone running from a car and he’s running down the middle of the street! I really hate that. Now Bullitt had a chase scene. And since I just rewatched Ronin, it's chase scene was fantastic as well. And let’s face it, whatever its weaknesses, Dukes of Hazard did cool stuff with General Lee and dirt roads.

Plot – don’t need much. Horror or search or chase or revenge or mystery. I don’t really care too much.

So here’s the movie. Three well endowed female college coeds are making out nude in their college sauna when they decide to take a road trip down state. They get arrested by corrupt cops and tossed in the local women’s prison. Escaping by seducing the female warden and stealing her Audi, they are chased by corrupt samurai sword wielding cops through a small town where the mayor has just blown up and robbed the local bank. The ladies eventually ambush the cops and after a violent gun fight where they run out of ammo end up killing the cops using their own swords after a clothes destroying close combat battle. As they get ready to return to Bryn Mahr to resume their library science studies, they stop the bank robbing mayor by blowing up his limo using a rocket propelled grenade found in one of the cop cars and finally retire with the money to a beach front condo where we see them sunbathing in the nude as the credits roll by.

Now that would be a movie.

2fers: Michelle Yeoh and Bullit